Answer

How Important Is Attraction When Choosing Someone to Marry?

How Much Does Attraction Matter When Dating?

You may keep meeting kind, faithful people and wonder whether you should continue dating someone when you are not strongly attracted to them yet. You may also worry that caring about attraction makes you shallow.

Attraction does matter when you are considering marriage. But a first impression does not always tell you everything about a person. Some attraction is immediate, while other feelings grow as you spend time together and get to know someone better.

Look Beyond Your First Impression

When Samuel went to Jesse’s home to identify Israel’s future king, he was impressed by Eliab’s appearance. The Lord corrected him by saying, “man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

The Lord was not teaching that appearance never matters. He was reminding Samuel that a person’s character cannot be understood from appearance alone.

The same principle applies to dating. Attraction is part of getting to know whether you could marry someone, but it is not the only thing to consider. You also need time to notice how the person treats others, handles disappointment, keeps commitments, talks about faith, and responds when things do not go as planned.

Attraction and Character Both Matter

The Family: A Proclamation to the World describes strong family relationships in terms of faith, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and commitment to Jesus Christ.

Attraction may draw you toward someone, but character becomes increasingly important as you consider sharing a life together. Marriage includes worship, work, children, financial decisions, conflict, illness, and many ordinary days. You want to be attracted to your spouse, but you also need to respect the person and feel that you can trust and work with him or her.

A good character does not automatically create attraction. You should not marry someone you do not want to be close to. But strong chemistry at the beginning does not guarantee that someone will be a good spouse.

Why Attraction Can Change

Dating culture often treats immediate chemistry as a final answer. This makes sense in one way because attraction is real and important. But it can also cause people to decide too quickly, before they have had time to learn who someone is.

In research involving people who had not met before, researchers found that attraction increased as people spent more time interacting. Feeling more comfortable and understood helped explain some of that increase.

The study was not about choosing a spouse, so it cannot tell you how long you should date someone or whether a relationship will work. It does show that attraction is not always fixed after one meeting. For some people, it grows as they notice another person’s humor, kindness, confidence, faith, and way of treating others.

How Long Should You Keep Dating?

You do not need to continue dating someone indefinitely while hoping attraction will eventually appear. If you feel no interest at all, it is reasonable to move on.

But if you enjoy being together, respect the person, look forward to seeing him or her, and feel some attraction—even if it is not intense—you may want to give the relationship more time. You can learn more without making a promise to marry.

Pay attention to how you feel as trust develops. Do you enjoy talking with this person? Do you feel comfortable being yourself? Do you admire the way he or she treats other people? Are you becoming more interested, or are you simply trying to convince yourself to feel something that is not there?

You should not choose a spouse because you feel guilty about rejecting a good person. You also should not reject someone simply because the first date did not feel exciting.

Questions Worth Considering

• Am I expecting one date or one first impression to answer questions that naturally take more time?
• Is there enough interest and attraction that I would like to see this person again?
• What qualities become more attractive to me as I get to know someone?
• Am I giving this relationship more time because I am genuinely interested, or because I feel pressured to make it work?

What You Can Do Now

If someone is kind, faithful, interesting to talk with, and you feel some attraction, you might consider going on a few more dates before making a final decision.

At the same time, be honest with yourself. A person does not need to force attraction or continue a relationship that does not feel right. Take enough time to see the person clearly, and give both attraction and character a proper place in your decision.

Jesus Christ can help you make that decision with honesty and kindness. He can help you recognize when a relationship deserves more time and when it is better to move in another direction.