Essay

Becoming a Father Long Before You Have Children

If you are a young man, fatherhood may feel far away. Right now you may be thinking more about school, work, dating, money, your testimony, or simply figuring out what kind of adult you want to become.

The messages around men can be confusing. Some celebrate committed fathers, while plenty of movies, shows, memes, and social-media clips make dads look clueless, immature, emotionally checked out, or like one more person a mom has to manage. If you see that often enough, it can quietly lower what you expect from men—and what you expect from yourself.

The gospel gives you a much bigger picture. The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that fathers and mothers are equal partners with important, complementary responsibilities in raising children. Fatherhood is not simply something a man happens to do; it’s connected to who God is and who His sons can become.

The Pattern for Fatherhood Begins With Heavenly Father

Elder D. Todd Christofferson taught that “the role of father is of divine origin, beginning with a Father in Heaven.” He explained that the perfect expression of fatherhood is found in Heavenly Father Himself. Read “Fathers.”

Fatherhood is not simply a social role somebody has to fill. It reflects something eternal.

This clip offers another perspective on why fatherhood changes men:

What Is the Culture Getting Wrong About Fatherhood?

One cultural message tells men that adulthood is mainly about maximizing independence: build your career, protect your freedom, have experiences, and avoid commitments that might limit your options.

But discipleship teaches a different way.

Jesus Christ taught, “Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 16:25).

That does not mean losing your personality, interests, goals, or ambitions. It means letting Christ teach you what those gifts are ultimately for. The gospel asks you to expect more of yourself—not because God is disappointed in you, but because He sees more in you.

This clip by Dr. Jenet Ericksen offers another perspective on the influence a father can have on his family:

What If My Dad Wasn’t the Father I Needed?

For some young men, talking about fatherhood brings up something much more personal_: What if I become like my dad?_

Maybe your father was absent, emotionally distant, angry, controlling, addicted, or abusive. Maybe there are good things about him you want to carry forward and other patterns you are determined not to repeat.

Your childhood can shape how you respond to anger, conflict, affection, trust, or closeness. But it does not determine the husband or father you will become.

Elder Christofferson spoke directly to people from troubled families:

“You can become the generation, perhaps the first in your family, where the divine patterns that God has ordained for families truly take shape and bless all the generations after you.”

Read “Fathers.”

The Research on Breaking Family Cycles Is Hopeful

A major 2025 meta-analysis examined 65 independent studies on childhood maltreatment across generations. Researchers found that having experienced maltreatment increased risk, but repeating the pattern was far from inevitable. In fact, among the intergenerational patterns they analyzed, cycle breakers were more common than cycle maintainers.

Other long-term research helps explain how that can happen. Studies have found that warm, supportive relationships, positive communication, self-control, and strong connections between parents and children can help interrupt harsh parenting patterns across generations.

Simply put: your history influences you, but it does not define your future.

Changing family patterns may still require work. You may need counseling, good mentors, honest conversations, healthier friendships, better emotional skills, or practice handling anger differently.

Jesus Christ Can Help You Create Something Different

In his BYU–Idaho devotional “Men Are That They Might Be Fathers,” Dr. Tim Rarick spoke directly to people who did not grow up with the father they needed:

“Because He sent His Son, hearts heal, cycles break, and God’s plan for His family can be a reality in your life.”

Jesus Christ does not erase your history or ask you to pretend that painful experiences did not matter. Through His grace, you can repent of patterns you have already picked up, forgive without excusing what was wrong, learn healthier ways of relating to people, and become someone different from the examples you may have received.

A Few Questions Worth Thinking About

• What has the culture around me taught me to expect from men?
• What quality of Heavenly Father do I most want to develop before I become a dad?
• What is one pattern from my childhood I want to carry forward—and one pattern I want Jesus Christ to help me change?