Answer

What Does Being “Equally Yoked” Actually Mean in Dating?

What Does “Equally Yoked” Mean When You’re Dating?

You may have heard that you should marry someone who is “equally yoked” and wondered what that means. Does it mean you need the same personality, interests, family background, or level of Church activity? What if you care about each other but are different in many ways?

These are good questions. Marriage brings two different people together, so being equally yoked does not mean being exactly alike. You can have different interests, temperaments, careers, and family experiences.

The more important question is whether you share the commitments that will shape your marriage and family. Do you both want Jesus Christ to influence your decisions? Do you agree about the importance of covenants, children, faithfulness, repentance, worship, and family life?

You do not need to find someone who is perfect or who has never struggled. You do need to pay attention to what the person is committed to and what kind of life the two of you are preparing to build.

What Does “Unequally Yoked” Mean?

The phrase comes from Paul’s counsel to the Saints in Corinth. He told them not to be “unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

A yoke connected two animals so they could pull a load together. If they could not work together, the task became more difficult.

Paul was speaking to Christians who lived among people with beliefs and practices that could pull them away from their commitment to Christ. His point was not that every difference between two people is a problem. He was warning them to think carefully about how their closest relationships might influence their faith.

That matters when you are dating. Marriage involves decisions about Church activity, children, money, sexual boundaries, extended family, service, and how you will respond when life becomes difficult. If you and the person you are dating have very different commitments in these areas, those differences may become more noticeable after marriage.

What the Family Proclamation Teaches

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches that happiness in family life is most likely when it is based on the teachings of Jesus Christ. It names faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreation as qualities that strengthen family relationships.

The proclamation gives you a picture of the kind of home you are preparing to build. You may enjoy different activities from the person you date. You may have different strengths and come from different kinds of families. Those differences do not automatically prevent a strong marriage.

It is more important to know whether you agree about the matters that will shape your home. Do you both want a temple marriage? Do you have similar hopes about children? Do you both want to live the law of chastity? Will you pray and worship together? Are you both willing to apologize, forgive, and change?

A person’s membership in the Church is relevant, but a membership record does not tell you everything about how someone is living. Pay attention to actions, priorities, and patterns.

Arthur Brooks on Choosing a Spouse

In a short video, social scientist Arthur Brooks makes a similar point about dating. He says that when people choose their own dates, they often look for someone who is similar to them. He explains that compatibility is not mainly about finding someone exactly like you. It is more about sharing important values (“The Best Way for You to Fall in Love”).

Shared values become especially important when you disagree, face financial pressure, decide how to raise children, or deal with disappointment. You can have different personalities and still work well together if you both care about honesty, commitment, faith, family, and treating each other with respect.

Do Not Expect Marriage to Solve Major Differences

Strong attraction can make important differences easier to ignore. You may find yourself thinking, He will become more committed later, or She may change her mind about children once we are married.

People can change, but you should not enter marriage depending on someone becoming a different person. It is wiser to make decisions based on who the person is and what he or she is choosing now.

Can you talk openly about faith and family? Can the person acknowledge mistakes? Does he or she keep commitments? When you disagree, can you work through the issue respectfully, or does one of you shut down, become angry, or pressure the other?

These patterns may tell you more than a label such as “active,” “spiritual,” or “member of the Church.”

Marriage Requires Partnership

Elder Ulisses Soares taught in “In Partnership with the Lord” that a united marriage involves respect, gratitude, love, and concern for each other’s well-being. He also taught that husbands and wives work with the Lord as they build their marriage and family.

That helps explain why being equally yoked does not mean finding someone exactly like you. Marriage requires two people to make decisions, solve problems, and care for each other. You need enough shared commitment to work together when you disagree.

A temple marriage is not held together by attraction alone. It depends on both people taking their covenants seriously and allowing the gospel to influence how they treat each other.

What Research Helps Us Understand

A study of 568 Christians found that sharing a Christian religious identity was associated with greater marital satisfaction. The study does not show that sharing a religion guarantees a happy marriage, and it cannot tell you whom to marry.

It does suggest that shared religious commitments may help couples as they face difficult decisions. Couples who have similar beliefs about faith, commitment, forgiveness, and family may have more common ground when they are under stress or need to make important choices.

Questions Worth Considering

• Which spiritual commitments do I hope to share with my future spouse?
• Am I paying attention to this person’s actions and priorities, or mainly to a label?
• Are there important differences I keep assuming will resolve themselves after marriage?

Jesus Christ does not require you to marry someone exactly like you. He can help you recognize someone who is willing to take the gospel seriously, work through differences, and build a marriage with you.