Essay

Should I Attend a Same-Sex Wedding?

Maybe your brother, daughter, roommate, cousin, or close friend has invited you to a same-sex wedding. You love this person. You do not want your decision to feel like rejection, and you may worry that declining the invitation could damage a relationship you have spent years building. At the same time, you believe Jesus Christ taught that marriage is between a man and a woman, and you do not want your presence to communicate something you do not actually believe.

That is a hard situation because the relationship is real and the doctrine matters. But a Christian, biblical understanding of love gives you a foundation and anchors you in this conversation. If you understand a wedding ceremony is a celebration, then a Christian who believes Jesus Christ defined marriage as the union of a man and a woman has good reason to decline a same-sex wedding ceremony.

Start With What Jesus Taught About Marriage

Jesus taught that in the very beginning of creation, “God made them male and female” and “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.” Therefore, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:4–6).

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches the same pattern: “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God” and the family is central to Heavenly Father’s plan.

Once you understand marriage that way, the wedding question becomes clearer. A wedding is more than spending time with two people you care about. Guests are gathered specifically to witness and celebrate a union being presented as marriage.

That is why attending a gay wedding carries a different meaning than an ordinary dinner, birthday, holiday, or family gathering.

In Paul’s famous teaching on charity, he says that love “rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). Jesus showed this throughout His ministry. When the woman taken in adultery was brought before Him, He treated her with extraordinary mercy. He refused to join the crowd in condemning her, but He also told her, “go, and sin no more” (John 8:11).

His love for her did not depend on approving every choice she made. His truthfulness did not keep Him from treating her with dignity.

Becket Thought Going Was the Loving Thing to Do

Becket Cook lived for many years as a gay man and worked in the fashion and entertainment world in Los Angeles before becoming a Christian. Not long after his conversion to Christianity, one of his former agents invited him to his wedding to another man. Watch Becket explain his experience:

Becket’s experience is helpful because he experiences same-sex attraction himself. He was able to clearly work out his faithfulness to Christ while the comments in the video share many other stories of Christians in similar situations.

Christlike Love Includes Righteousness

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland addressed this tension directly in “The Cost—and Blessings—of Discipleship.”

He began with Christ’s command, “Love one another, as I have loved you.” But Elder Holland pointed out that the same Savior also said, “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” He then taught that Christlike love and righteousness were always meant to stay together:

Christlike love is the greatest need we have on this planet in part because righteousness was always supposed to accompany it. So if love is to be our watchword, as it must be, then by the word of Him who is love personified, we must forsake transgression and any hint of advocacy for it in others. Jesus clearly understood what many in our modern culture seem to forget: that there is a crucial difference between the commandment to forgive sin (which He had an infinite capacity to do) and the warning against condoning it (which He never ever did even once).

What If It Is My Son or Daughter?

In an interview about same-sex relationships, President Dallin H. Oaks and Elder Lance B. Wickman were asked how parents can continue loving a child without letting their actions communicate approval of choices they believe are wrong.

President Oaks began with the relationship: “You’re my son. You will always be my son, and I’ll always be there to help you.” Later, when discussing situations in which public participation might imply approval of a same-sex relationship, he said parents could lovingly explain, “Please don’t … put us into that position.”

Elder Wickman added something equally important. Parents should continue to open “our homes and our hearts and our arms to our children.” He also said that this does not require constantly reminding a child that you disagree with his or her choices.

If your son or daughter invites you to a same-sex wedding and you decide you cannot attend the ceremony, make sure the conversation communicates more than I won’t be there.

Tell your child what has not changed:

I love you. You are my son. You are my daughter. I want you in my life. I hope you will always know that. But because of what I believe Jesus Christ has taught me about marriage, I cannot participate in the wedding ceremony. I know that may hurt, and I am sorry for that hurt. I hope you will also understand that I am trying to be faithful to something sacred to me.

Don’t Let One Wedding Become the Whole Relationship

Declining a wedding invitation should not become an excuse to pull away from someone.

Go to birthdays. Have dinner together. Remember important events. Call. Invite them into your home. Help when they move. Show up when someone is sick. Listen when life is difficult. Keep building ordinary memories together.

Those actions matter because they make something clear: I declined the ceremony because of what I believe about marriage. I did not decline you.

President Oaks has taught that when important differences exist, “our side of these differences should not be denied or abandoned,” but followers of Christ should still live peacefully with people who do not share their beliefs. He specifically counseled disciples to be good listeners, show concern for sincere beliefs, and avoid being contentious.

That kind of relationship may require more from you than simply attending one event would have.

Research Suggests How We Disagree Matters

Research can teach us something about how relationships survive serious disagreement.

In one study, 174 people discussed contentious religious and moral issues—including same-sex marriage—with someone who disagreed with them. Researchers found that when people perceived the other person as showing greater intellectual humility, they also reported greater closeness and trust after the conversation.

Intellectual humility does not mean believing there is no truth or pretending both moral positions are equally correct. It means listening carefully, representing the other person’s beliefs fairly, admitting what you do not know, and treating the other person as someone worth hearing.

That is very useful when you have to say no to someone you love.

You do not need to turn the conversation into a sermon. You do not need to prove everything you believe about marriage that afternoon. Explain your decision clearly, listen to how the other person feels, and continue loving them.

When the Adversary Tries to Force a False Choice

This situation can become confusing because you may fear compromising what you believe. You may also fear losing someone you love.

The adversary can tempt you to become harsh in the name of truth, until defending marriage becomes more important to you than the person standing in front of you. Or he can persuade you that maintaining a relationship requires you to stop making meaningful distinctions between what God has taught and what the culture celebrates.

Christ was completely obedient to the Father and remarkably willing to stay close to people whose lives were not yet aligned with His teachings.

That gives you a better pattern: hold to what God has taught about marriage, and keep loving the person with patience, generosity, and real involvement in his or her life.

A Few Questions Worth Thinking About

• If I attend this ceremony, what would my presence reasonably communicate about what I believe marriage is?
• Am I more afraid of an uncomfortable conversation than I am committed to being honest about my faith?
• If I decline, what will I do afterward to make sure this person still knows I love them?
• Can I explain what I believe without turning someone I love into an argument to win?