Essay

How Do I Love Someone Who Identifies as LGBT and Still Stand for What Christ Taught?

What do you do when someone you love disagrees with the Church about marriage, sexuality, gender, chastity, or family? You may know what prophets have taught and want to stay faithful to it, but you also care deeply about the person in front of you. You may wonder, If I say what I really believe, will they hear rejection? If I avoid saying it, am I being honest about following Jesus Christ?

The Family: A Proclamation to the World begins with the identity of every person. We are “beloved spirit son[s] or daughter[s] of heavenly parents,” each with “a divine nature and destiny.” It goes on to teach that gender is an essential part of eternal identity and purpose, that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and that family is central to Heavenly Father’s plan.

Jesus was asked directly about marriage, and He answered by taking us back to Creation. God “made them male and female,” He taught, and husband and wife were to become “one flesh” (Matthew 19:4–6). In the Sermon on the Mount, He also taught that chastity involves more than outward behavior. He asked His disciples to pay attention to what they willingly cultivate in their hearts.

In Doctrine and Covenants 49:15–17, Christ also declares that “marriage is ordained of God” and connects marriage and family to the purposes of Creation.

What If I Keep Thinking of These as “Church Rules”?

Elder Kevin S. Hamilton offered a helpful way to think about that question in his BYU devotional “Why a Church?”.

He said that he sometimes hears members say things such as, “I don’t support the Church’s policy on …” or “I don’t agree with the way the Church does …” Then he suggested an exercise:

“Substitute the word Savior or Lord or Jesus Christ in place of ‘the Church.’”

Elder Hamilton said that doing that gave him “a very different perspective.” He was reminding us that we cannot completely separate Jesus Christ from the Church He organized. The Lord said, “whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same” (Doctrine and Covenants 1:38).

That can help when a conversation becomes difficult. Instead of beginning with, How do I defend the Church’s teaching on marriage? you can ask something more personal: Do I trust what Jesus Christ has taught about marriage?

Becket’s Story

Becket Cook spent years working as a successful set designer in Hollywood’s fashion industry. He identified as gay and was an atheist. In this short interview, Becket tells what happened and how coming to Jesus Christ changed everything for him:

Becket is not Latter-day Saint,but there is something worth noticing in that first conversation. Those Christians did not treat him as a problem to solve. They answered the question he actually asked, kept talking with him, and invited him toward something much larger than a position on sexuality. They invited him to know Jesus Christ.

Becket was grateful that others pointed him to Jesus Christ and were clear about His commandments. Just like the young adults in Becket’s story, the way you handle difficult conversations can become another place where your discipleship shows—because people can hear what you believe and still recognize something of Jesus Christ in the way you treat them.

You Can Be Clear Without Becoming Defensive

If someone asks why you believe marriage is between a man and a woman, you do not have to begin with everything you think is wrong with society. You can begin with Christ.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave young disciples this counsel: “Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them.” His counsel called for courage, but not combativeness. He wanted disciples who could be clear about what they believed without becoming harsh toward people who believed differently.

Church teaching is clear that experiencing same-sex attraction is not itself a sin. A person who experiences same-sex attraction remains a beloved son or daughter of heavenly parents with divine identity, agency, purpose, and eternal possibilities. Remembering that changes the way you speak. You are never talking about an abstract issue. You are talking to or about someone Jesus Christ knows perfectly.

Listening in Love

Research on high-quality listening has found that attentive, empathic listening can reduce defensiveness and help people think more carefully during disagreement. For a disciple of Christ, though, listening is more than a communication technique. The person is worth listening to.

Sometimes “Why does your Church teach this?” really is a doctrinal question. At other times there may be another question underneath it: Do you still love me? Can we still be close? Can I tell you what this has been like for me?

You can respond to both.

How the Adversary Can Distort the Question

Once you understand Christ’s pattern more clearly, it becomes easier to notice a few ways this can go wrong.

One is the assumption that loving someone requires agreeing with every conclusion they reach. That can feel persuasive, especially when someone we love is hurting. But if Jesus Christ really has revealed truth about marriage, chastity, identity, and family, then setting those teachings aside is not the only way to show love.

The opposite mistake is being harsh toward people. We may start speaking impatiently, treating every conversation like a debate, or feeling responsible to correct everything another person says.

Following Him requires more of us. Sometimes you will need to speak. Sometimes you will need to listen. Sometimes you may explain the same teaching again, more patiently than you did the first time, because the person asking is still trying to understand.

You cannot control how another person responds. You can choose what kind of disciple you will be while you talk with them.

A Few Things to Think About

• When I talk about marriage, chastity, gender, or family, do I understand these first as teachings of Jesus Christ?
• Can I explain where these teachings come from in scripture?
• Do people who disagree with me have enough evidence from the way I treat them to know that I sincerely care about them?
• Does the way I speak reflect Elder Holland’s counsel to combine courage with courtesy and compassion?